For the sake of argument let’s be clear on how success is often defined. It means, ‘the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one’s goals.’ I guess one could come up with many definitions. However, for the sake of this discussion, we’ll use this definition.
It’s often human nature and quite easy to secretly, or openly for that matter, minimize another’s success in order to make yourself feel better about your own mediocre efforts and/or performance.
Have you ever heard the Crabs in a Bucket theory? In nature if there are a bunch of crabs in a shallow bucket, inevitably there will be some that will try and climb out by crawling over the others as a ladder of sorts. As this one is ascending the pile, the others below will try to grab hold and pull them back down.
We are naturally, because it’s easier, drawn to those who are like us and occupy similar seats on this bus ride of life. We’re more comfortable with ‘our own’.
It’s much more challenging to surround ourselves with those that we may deem superior. Why is that? Well, in a relationship between humans, if one is superior, then by default the other most likely has to be inferior. That’s how the math works. Water does seek its own level and birds of a feather flock together.
It’s easy to feel lesser because of the perceived success of others. It can make us feel uncomfortable. (there is another weak phrase. You make me mad, you make me uncomfortable, you make me…it puts the power and control over your life into the hands of another. It’s like you are choosing to be a slave to a master you have appointed and then complaining about it, makes no sense)
Scarcity Mentality — I used to tell myself that I have an abundance mentality and there is enough for all of us but in reality my feelings and behavior suggested otherwise, I have often been secretly overjoyed when other successful co-workers experienced setbacks and challenges.
It’s a petty and childish position to hold? I felt that if they failed it would make room for me to have success. That is scarcity math and doesn’t work. How do I get to a place where I am truly happy for their wins and not superficially but to the core, genuinely thrilled? How do I get to a point where their successes actually energize and fuel my own efforts to rise above my current station and be more than I have become?
I used to fear spending time with my friends who were, seemingly and literally more successful than me. I loved these friends but found myself hating the feelings I harbored towards them and the criticism I placed on myself. It was a loser mentality. How did I solve it? Simple. I avoided them. Of course that solved nothing because the lies I was telling myself still screamed, ‘you’re never gonna be like them. That’s not for you man’. You’ll never be good enough.
I still was burdened with heavy feelings of inadequacy. It morphed into a competition between their glorious successes and my ridiculous failures. They weren’t even failures really. In order to fail you’ve got to at least be trying. I wasn’t really trying. It was just meh. I was in whiner mode. “What the hell is wrong with me?” I would ask myself.
I would envy others’ stuff (or their perceived success) and wonder why I didn’t have the same or equivalent stuff (success). In terms of time and effort, I was working just as many hours in a day as they were, if not more so why was I just barely making it and they were killing it?
Abundance Mentality—That was the old me. The new me wants to now know the how and why behind the their success. The new me realizes there is enough to go ‘round. Others successes don’t diminish mine. They inspire me to create mine.
To illustrate this, let me share a recent observation. In a neighborhood close to mine there is an amazing French chateau style home that was just finished and was one of the top visited homes in our local Utah Valley Parade of Homes. It’s got 20,000+ square feet of living space, 6 car garage, pool, multiple kitchens, spectacular mountain and valley views, the whole package really.
I started noticing some interesting local social media conversations about it as it was nearing completion. Comments like, ‘who would build a home so massive? That’s ridiculous.’ ‘They only have 4 kids? That’s insane, who needs a house that big?’ And one of my favorite crab statements. ‘Why don’t they do something good with their money?’ to which I replied, ‘how do we not know they aren’t doing fantastic things with their money AND able to build this palace of a home. Why does it have to be either or?’ I wondered why those people felt the need to find fault with this family and their home. Why were they bashing the rich? Then I remembered our friends the crabs.
I realized that during the construction process on that home there must have been hundreds of people employed for close to two years, providing an opportunity and means for them to support their families. That’s doing good with your money don’t you think? Providing meaningful work. Imagine the pride of those construction workers as they drive by that home for years on end being able to say, ‘I built that.’ ‘That’s my craft.’
For the record, I have little interest in the home (the stuff) nor the desire to have something on that scale. What intrigued me on a whole other level was getting to know the mindset one has to possess to create the wealth to build such a home. I wanted to know the why behind creating the resources to purchase such a house. I think that is the healthier question.
Perhaps the position we ought to take is one not of the lowly crabs in the bucket but one of a student/teacher or child/parent. We ought to view the same situation not with envy but awe, reverence and respect for the energy and effort that went into achieving such a massive level of success. Asking, ‘How can I better myself and have the discipline to grow and create the circumstances they did?’ Even if we don’t reach that level, striving for any level, any improvement above our current situation has little downside.
Maybe we ought to use their success as a target to aim for. Again, not for the acquisition of stuff but rather the development of resilience and character. While our end goals may be different, the efforts and personal growth are the similar in nature.
Rarely are we in the same life position at the same time as another. Each of our lives are distinctly unique so to compare our perceived failures to their perceived successes is harmful, unproductive, crippling and frankly unfair to ourselves. If you’re a believer in the Bible then you’ll recognize comparison to others as one of Satan’s greatest tools to keep us down, and comfortable, with the other crabs.
Embrace where you are, look forward to where you can and will be then put in the work to get there. In the end the real battle and competition is with you. Be better tomorrow than you are today.
To me that is the real definition of success.
There is nothing noble to be superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. — Earnest Hemingway